During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the
Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half
remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those
standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones
sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested
that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the
original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped The elderly man
would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so
he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man,
"Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said,"Then the tradition is to sit
during Shema!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all
the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
__________________________________________________
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish
Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they
call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres.
I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says,
"My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres?
What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."
_______________________________________________
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife
has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he
yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It
wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't
Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming.
"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
_________________________________________
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we
all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in
the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
________________________________________________________
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her
turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this
walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect.
What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane.."
1. An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and made love to two
18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
2. Useful English System conversions/units:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
10 monologs: 5 dialogs
5 dialogs: 1 decalog
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2 wharves: 1 paradox
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
3. After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
4. On Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year), there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, for
the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw.
For ordinary sins, use................................. White Bread
For exotic sins............................................ French Bread
For particularly dark sins............................. Pumpernickel
For complex sins........................................ Multi-Grain
For twisted sins.......................................... Pretzels
For tasteless sins....................................... Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision................................ Waffles
For sins committed in haste........................ Matzo
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes.......Shmurah Matzo
For sins of chutzpah.................................. Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana................ Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs............ Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft ......................... Caraway
For petty larceny....................................... Stollen
For committing arson................................. Toast
For timidity ................................................ Milk Toast
For being ill tempered/sulky .................... Sourdough
For silliness ............................................Nut Bread
For not giving full value............................. Shortbread
For jingoism.............................................Yankee Doodles
For risking one's life unnecessarily ......... Hero Bread
For excessive use of irony........................ Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes................................. Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts.......................... Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry........................... Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering................................... Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing..............................Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others..... Tortes
For promiscuity....................................... Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles.................... Hot Cross Buns
For racism............................................... Crackers
For sophisticated racism.......................... Ritz Crackers
For davenning (praying) off tune.............. Flat Bread
For being holier than thou........................ Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another................. Challah
For indecent photography........................Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment....................Dumplings
For sins of laziness.................................Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical.............................Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery..........................Bismarcks
For over-eating........................................ Stuffing Bread or Bulky Rolls
For gambling........................................... Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness.................................... Grits
For sins of pride...................................... Puff Pastry
For cheating........................................ Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For being snappish............................... Ginger Bread
For impetuosity.................................... Quick Bread
For incompetent child rearing................ Raisin Bread
For negligent slip ups........................... Banana Bread
For dropping in without warning.............Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight..............Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable.................High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy..................................... Brownies
5. "Computer Gender." A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as either masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the
women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
A. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
B. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
C. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
D. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
A. No one but their creator can understand their internal logic.
B. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
C. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
D. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
6. Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked
questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been
left in).
A. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
B. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
C. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
D. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
E. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
F. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
G. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
H. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
I. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
J. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
K. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
L. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
M. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
N. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
O. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
P. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Q. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
R. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
S. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
T. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
U. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
V. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
W. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
X. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Y. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
7. A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "SCHMUCK."
The next Friday night he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name
and forgot to write a letter."
8. Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered
their evidence. . .
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
A. His first name was Jesus
B. He was bilingual
C. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that. . .
JESUS WAS BLACK:
A. He called everybody "brother"
B. He liked Gospel
C. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that. . .
JESUS WAS JEWISH:
A. He went into His Father's business
B. He lived at home until he was 33
C. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that. . .
JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
A. He talked with his hands
B. He had wine with every meal
C. He used olive oil
But then 4here were equally good arguments that. . .
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
A. He never cut his hair
B. He walked around barefoot
C. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that. . .
JESUS WAS IRISH:
A. He never got married
B. He was always telling stories
C. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence. . .
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
A. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
B. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
C. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do
9. Subject: PMS
During one of his weekly sermons, a preacher made the statement that EVERYTHING is mentioned in the Bible. After his sermon, a woman approached the preacher and said "I beg to differ with
you, but I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher was perplexed by this statement, but also challenged. He told the woman that he would research it and provide an answer the next week.
One week later, after the Sunday sermon, the woman asked the preacher if he had succeeded in locating any reference to PMS in the Bible.
The preacher smiled and said "I believe so," and showed her the following Biblical passage:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way into Bethlehem....."
10. A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped into a posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked,
"May I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox.
"No, no," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon.”
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No, no. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No, no. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate and," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"
11. An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Ya, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot time is it?"
12. Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
13. This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to give us the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a Commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
14. Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US.
Berel says, "When I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving!"
15. It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a row boat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police row boat comes by, and the officer shouts,
"Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're
in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the
Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need. Where were
You?"
And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
16. A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."
17. A. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
B. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
C. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
D. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
E. How is it possible to have a civil war?
F. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
G. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
H. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
J. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
K. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
L. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
M. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
N. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
O. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
P. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Q. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
R. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
S. What happens when none of your bees wax?
T. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
U. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
V. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
W. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
18. Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned
over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails
through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
19. I met a Chinese man who told me his name was Abe Schwartz. I told him he didn't look Jewish, to which he replied "I'm not." "So how did you get that name?" I asked. "Did your mother
marry a Jewish man?"
"Oh no, when I first came to this country and was standing on the immigration line, the man in front of me was named Abe Schwartz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name and I told
them 'Sem Ting.'"
20. Two Japanese businessmen meet in London. "Kimoshito, your wife Lotus Flower is having an affair with a Jewish man." Kimoshito takes the first plane back to Tokyo and confronts his
wife. "Lotus Flower, is this true?" and she replies: "Kimoshito-san, who's been telling you all this mishegoss?"
21. Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe, and decide to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America. 20 years pass..The first man asks the second, "So, nu? How'd
you do?"
He replies: Vell, you know...ven I came to this country I had no idea vhat to do with myself to make a livink. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold
business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!"
He turns to the next man and asks, "So nu, how 'bout you?"
He says "Vell, like you I had no idea vhat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a livink, so I too, looked to my last name. Silverberg. So I vent into silver. And oy, did I
make a fortune!"
So they both turn to the last man and say, "And you? Vat happened to you?"
So the third man said, "Vell, I too had no idea how I vas to make a livink here in America, so I looked at my last name. Taylor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor. So I
went to shul and prayed. I said "G-d, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner."
So the first man said, "So, vat happened?"
The man replied, "Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?"
22. “I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.” - Dolly Parton
“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” - Erica Jong
“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.” - Rita Rudner
“I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.” - Roseanne
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.” - Rita Rudner
“I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.” - Susie Loucks
“This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta
“He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.” - Carol Leifer
“I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” - Wendy Liebman
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to.” - Erma Bombeck
“If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.” - Sue Grafton
“I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.” - Sue Kolinsky
“I look just like the girl next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.” - Dolly Parton
“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?” - Wendy Liebman
“I think - therefore I'm single.” - Lizz Winstead
"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary." - Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
“Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
"I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all
afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." - Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
23. Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is 6'5"; he has broad, square shoulders, lean hips
and is very muscular; he's terribly handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and always smells wonderful. Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...'.
24. How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing, I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins, I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'" Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one." Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 11.
25. Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses
at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of
David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says:
"Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says:
"Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business."
26. Must be a lost chapter of Genesis...This Explains Everything:
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,
"What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God,
"What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
27. A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
S/he who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
28. WHY ENGLISH IS SO HARD TO LEARN
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
29. If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just
sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it.
30. What My Mother Taught Me...
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MOM!
31. Church Bulletin Bloopers
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
32. Subject: Signs of the Times
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
My "personal"favorite....:) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
33. Sid goes to visit Abe and sees Abe has a new dog.
"So what kind of dog is this?", asks Sid.
"He's a Jewish dog", says Abe. "His name is Irving. Watch."
"Irving", says Abe. "Fetch!"
Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around, and says:
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. Then you give me this ferkakta food with
all the salt and fat and you tell me it's a special diet and it tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house,
give a pisch, and right back home. Maybeif I couldstretch out a little the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!"
Sid is amazed and he says to Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers,
"I don't know, I think this dog isn't so smart. His hearing is no good. I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch."
34. Premed students at Washington University in St. Louis must take a challenging class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
35. Talmud for Gentiles:
The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to
me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is
also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the
clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again . I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go
to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the
possibilities."
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.
The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror
and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall
through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
36. A British Jew is waiting on line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However,
when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he
remembers from the Passover seder: “Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot?”
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”
37. A lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...so the
lawyer asks if the Jew would he like to play a fun game. The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you p ay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The elderly Jew doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jew's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching
he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500.
The old Jew pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
38. Subject: Synagogue Bloopers
All the mistakes in spelling and typing were left in.
These announcements were found in newsletters and bulletins.
Even spell check wouldn't have helped.
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for
our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember
in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of
Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his
private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community
center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large
double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are
preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new
carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the
carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising
campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________ _________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ _________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
The Dark Side Of Women
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And now he will now be your career!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
